Sara Stadem | Editor
In 1976, according to the Children’s Bureau website, the Massachusetts Governor, Mike Dukakis, announced the first Adoption Week. This idea ended up spreading nationwide, transitioning into National Adoption Week and then, in 1995, expanded to National Adoption Month during the month of November.
November raises awareness pertaining to the importance of adoption for children and the need for families that are willing to adopt. Thanks to adoption, the Garry’s feel very fortunate, now having four children: Grayson, 18-year-old daughter who is in her first year at Dakota State University; Carson, their son that is a 16-year-old sophomore at West Central; Dawson, 14-year-old daughter who is in 8th grade and Brylee, their 3rd grader who is eight years old.
Darrin and Holly Garry of Humboldt wanted a family. However, as time went on, it didn’t seem like it was in God’s plan to have a family the traditional way, the Garry’s explained.
High school sweethearts, Darrin explained that once Holly graduated from college, he knew he was ready for the next step with her; he was ready to be married and have a family.
So, when the plan didn’t go as expected, Darrin was ready for the adoption route sooner than Holly, according to her. “We had been married a few years and we didn’t have any luck conceiving on our own. We explored a little fertility stuff to see our options but more from the beginning, Darrin was on the adoption route.” She continued, “I held on longer than he did thinking we were going to eventually get pregnant. I was doing all I could. Darrin would say, ‘Why are you worried, let’s do the adoption route.’”
They started the process by going to the information night at Catholic Family Services (CFS) in. Sioux Falls. Darrin and Holly recall it was a few couples that spoke about their experiences with adoption and after they left, they decided it was the option they wanted to pursue.
From there, the Garry’s explained the next steps included background checks, completing educational hours on parenting/adoption, cost determination and creating a profile.
“There was no set fee for adoption because it’s through CFS. All of the adoption costs are based on your income. We would have to submit our taxes and you pay based on that,” Holly explained.
The profile was a snapshot of their life. They had to indicate what they did, what their interests were and things such as they lived on an acreage. “We had people that kept their horses on our farm which is kind of how we got our oldest daughter, Grayson, because they thought we were into horses,” Darrin joked.
The profile was put in a binder and given to CFS. The process then transitions to the birth mom, according to the Garry’s. “When a perspective birth mom is looking for a family for adoption, she would tell them what she is looking for and they go through the binders. They decide if they want to meet any of the families,” Holly explained.
The Garry’s felt lucky from there. “We finished that all up in December and we were very lucky. We got a call in January and was told we have a perspective birth mom,” Holly recalls. She continued, “I was shocked that it happened so fast as we had been trying for so long and I figured we would get pregnant before we ever got to adopt.”
In the middle of January, the Garry’s met the perspective mom who was a college student in Brookings at the time. She had found out late in her pregnancy that she was pregnant and was looking to put her baby up for adoption, explained Holly. The Garry’s met the college student along with their social worker in Brookings for birth mom to ask a few questions.
Holly remembers not being able to describe the feeling. “It’s just kind of weird – you don’t know what to say or what to ask – we are looking to adopt and she is looking for someone for her baby.”
Birth mom planned to place her baby with the Garry’s and they were able to be at the scheduled c-section on Feb. 11 when they met their daughter, Grayson. The Garry’s explained at the hospital, once Grayson was born, they would have her some times and then birth mom and dad would have her. They decided to have an open adoption with Grayson’s birth parents.
Years later, Darrin and Holly explained that Grayson’s birth parents got married and Grayson was their flower girl. Grayson has a relationship with her birth parents and will text and talk back and forth, Darrin and Holly explained.
“I don’t know how often that happens. Having such a good relationship. They (birth mom and dad) just moved to California and we went to Colorado right before they moved to visit them,” Holly said.
Garry’s said they really feel like God has a hand in everything. They asked Grayson’s birth mom how she even ended up at CFS when she wasn’t catholic and was in Brookings. Grayson’s birth mom said when she found out she was pregnant, she called up all of the adoption agencies in Sioux Falls. CFS was the only one that would drive to Brookings to meet her. All of the others said to come to sf and talk to them and she didn’t have a car to get there.
Later on, Darrin and Holly asked Grayson’s birth mom why she decided to give up Grayson when they were together still. Holly explained, “Grayson’s birth mom said that just knew they weren’t ready. She said, ‘I have always felt like Grayson should be yours and felt like this was always the path that it should be.’”
Darin said his sense of adoption is we all know there are a lot of kids out there that need a good home because they don’t have parents that are able to care for them. “Now Grayson’s parents are still together, married with more children. A couple that are great parents. That’s not how it is very often,” he said.
Since everything went so well with adopting Grayson, Darrin and Holly decided to try again through CFS. “I think it was a God thing as I wasn’t there where Darrin was (about adoption) and I needed it to be easy,” said Holly.
They updated their profile after Grayson so they could include pictures with Grayson in there. Darrin and Holly wanted others to know they had a child in case that was a factor for a potential mom.
They explained they couldn’t believe how quickly they were called again. “We were picked again! We were excited because we were going to have baby number two,” Holly said.
Darrin and Holly explained they decided they would always have open adoptions as they wanted it to be open with their children and if they wanted to know their birth parents, they could. This mom did not want that. She wanted it closed, the Garry’s explained.
Birth mom was in Aberdeen and Darrin said the Aberdeen social worker was horrible with the whole process. Darrin remembers going to Aberdeen and the only thing they knew was that birth mom had three other children and that she decided she couldn’t do a fourth.
“We had the baby one night and the social worker called and said birth mom changed her mind, birth mom wants the baby back,” Holly explained.
The Garry’s had said right from the start of the adoption process that it would have to be right for the birth mom. “We always said we knew with Grayson that if the birth mom wasn’t okay with it, it wouldn’t be right for us. I’m not going to judge her for changing her mind because I couldn’t imagine giving a baby up,” Darrin said. He continued, “We told her it’s okay, this is your child.” The Garry’s have not heard or seen her since. “So, we have had both sides of the coin, the perfect adoption and the one that didn’t go through,” said Holly.
Despite that setback, the Garry’s decided to try again a year later. They were chosen again and were told that birth mom chose them because they were okay with an open adoption.
Once their son, Carson, was born, birth mom decided she didn’t want an open adoption. She wasn’t sure who dad was so birth mom decided to give up her rights, according to the Garry’s. However, Mom took about a year to go to the courtroom and sign her rights away, they recalled. “She was worried that her past was going to keep her in the courtroom. So, that process took much longer than planned,” Holly said.
Darrin said, “It’s the toughest on Carson (the closed adoption) because he wants it more than any of our other children; he wants to know his birth mom and dad and where he came from so that’s hard on us to watch.”
Darrin and Holly still try to get that relationship for Carson. With all of the kids, twice a year for Mother’s Day and Christmas, Holly gives a one-year recap. “I provide updates such as this year Carson is reading or playing ball, etc. and I send them to CFS along with photos. That way the birth moms can have them if they want.” She continued, “With Grayson’s, I would just send it to her mom since we had that relationship.”
Holly said, “I tell her (Caron’s mom) all the time in the update that we would be open for any communication, no strings attached, Carson just wants to ask a few questions.”
Carson’s birth mom does pick up the letters and photos from CFS, according to the Garry’s, but doesn’t do any contact back. “I hope she gets to the point that she can do that but I don’t know if she would. Carson would just love it if she did that,” Holly said.
A year after Carson, they were chosen again. They were chosen by Dawson’s birth mom because of Carson. “Dawson’s birth mom and Caron’s birth mom are sisters so they are biologically cousins,” Holly said.
“Dawson was placed with us because birth mom knew that Carson was placed with us and she wanted to get the photos and letters like Carson’s mom got,” Darrin continued.
Darrin and Holly said Carson and Dawson know they are cousins and that their birth moms are sisters.
Darrin and Holly explained that Dawson has two half-sister who were aware of Dawson. Fast forward a few years later, they started reaching out to the Garry’s on Facebook wanting to meet as they knew about her with the letters and photos.
Holly said, “I told the girls I don’t care if you have contact but it has to be okay with your mom. I wanted her aware that they knew it was the two girls reaching out to us as mom didn’t reach out too much. So, we have had a little contact with them.”
One of Dawson’s half-sisters took a picture of a scrapbook of Dawson that her birth mom made of all of the pictures that Holly had sent. “It meant a lot for Dawson to see that her birth mom really did care that much to do this,” she explained.
In September they were thinking they would pull back their profile as they felt blessed with the three that they had. “I’m turning 40 years old, I’m back to school full time, I had agreed to help coach. We thought about putting in for one more but decided maybe we shouldn’t,” explained Holly.
Before a decision was made, they received a call in December. They got picked again and the baby was due in January.
Darrin and Holly explained this situation was that birth mom wanted a closed adoption, and that birth mom was looking for an ‘older’ couple which is how the Garry’s got picked.
The Garry’s decided this was God’s plan. Birth mom didn’t want to meet them this time.
“We never told the kids if we were adopting, or that we were selected. We worried that they (birth parents) would change their minds so we wouldn’t tell the kids,” Holly said. So, they drove to Mitchell on January 12 when Brylee was born while their other children were unaware of what was going on.
Darrin explained, “Holly and I went to Mitchell and the night we were going to see the baby; my folks brought the rest of our kids. My mom told them we had a surprise for them and pulled up to the Mitchell hospital.” He continued, “Carson said, ‘well this is a dumb surprise.’ They came in and saw Brylee and it was a different story than. That’s of excitement.”
After birth mom had Brylee, she decided she wanted to meet the Garry’s. She wanted to know it was going to be okay, said the Garry’s. “After that we didn’t have any problems. She was good with it and she has an open adoption,” Holly said. “She lives in Omaha now. Three years ago, we drove to Omaha and did a whole day with her at the zoo, etc.” The Garry’s were going to see her before COVID hit. So, now they are going to drive there for Thanksgiving. Brylee asks her birth mom questions and all is good with it, said the Garry’s.
When asked what is the hardest part about adoption, Darrin said, “The hardest thing is just the not knowing. You have no control. Any couple that does adoption just has no idea. You don’t know what’s going on, when it will be – will it be a week, a month, years? You have no control.” Holly said, “The other thing that is scary for Darrin and I, when we filled out paper work, we said we would take any race, any medical issues, sometimes kids have parents that use drugs or alcohol so that’s tough, the unknown of that.”
Darrin went on to explain that a tough part for him is knowing there are people out there that can’t have kids but the parents are picky about who they take based on health, race, etc. “A child needs a home, no matter what race or disability,” Darrin said.
“We just decided it was in God’s hands if we had a baby the traditional way with a disability, etc., so why would we say no if we have one through adoption?” said Darrin.
If someone is considering adoption, Darrin gives one big piece of advice. “I know one couple; they were adopting a child and the birth mom changed her mind. The adopted father is bad mouthing the birth mom now. If that’s the case you are in it for the wrong reasons,” explained Darrin. “Just because a birth mom is putting their child up for adoption, that’s tough enough the way it is and they didn’t have an abortion which is a good thing. It’s always in God’s hand.”
“We did everything not to judge the birth moms. You never know the backstory of the birth mom and why they are doing it. We are just thankful they didn’t choose abortion which was an option for them,” Holly said.
The Garry’s have strong faith and believe that everything is in God’s hands. Darrin said, “You may not always agree with how things work out but it’s always in God’s hands. You get a child and you love that child because that’s what you want, whether it’s your blood line or not.”
Darrin said, “It doesn’t matter your story, it’s going to be filled with joy and heartache with adoption but parenting is not easy for anyone. There will be ups and downs like with all parenting. Now that we have four kids, I wish someone would have given us a blueprint on parenting!”